In a way Is This Available? is about a Barbie Dreamhouse. Dana and I imagine versions of ourselves who might own a few more darling little collectibles, a celestial rotary phone or the perfect couch. Frankly, we revert to a childlike state each week and play, wondering if yesterday’s trash promises will become tomorrow’s heirloom (or a curse god forbid).
In honor of this week’s Barbie movie release we invited some of our friends to play with us. We asked them to tell us in 100 words or fewer, what marketplace item would you put in a Barbie Dreamhouse?
Come on Barbie, let’s go party!
I’d put this pink hourglass in my Barbie dream house. Why? Because time’s running out bitch. You’ll only be hot, young, and have a medically inaccurate waistline for so long. So dream it, believe it, and achieve it while you can. Plus, with this hourglass, I can play my favorite Barbie game with my Barbie friends: Barbie Couples Therapy (now on Showtime).
- Clare Austen Smith, Instagram
Out: Come on Barbie, let’s go party. In: Let’s Get Weird.
From what I hear, this Barbie movie is all about a rebrand. Impossible waist-to-hip ratio be damned! Kick rocks, pokey feet that can’t even stand.
(↑my pitch for a neon sign↑)
Sure, this little pink neon sign is probably giving more insta baddie bachelorette party than edgelord with a fully developed prefrontal cortex. And with all due respect, even a little bit of Cole Sprouse as Jughead.
They say the road to hell is paved with being just a liiiiittle bit quirky 🤪.
– Maria Robins-Somerville
Oh I’m sorry! Did you not think Barbie could possibly dabble in journalistic ephemerology? Did you peg her as “uninterested in history”? Might this have something to do with the fact that she is a WOMAN? In fact, Barbie can spend anywhere from 5-30 minutes a day reading archival reporting about her favorite deadly 20th century catastrophes (Titanic number one; Challenger Disaster at a close number two; Chernobyl at number three, though there is no Chernobyl Barbie, to this writers’ great chagrin). And indeed, Barbie papers the walls of her Dreamhouse with thousands of old-timey news clippings, like a detective building a conspiracy and connecting each piece of evidence with a thin strand of yarn. So yeah … hot girls can read too, you fucking chauvinists.
– Xandra Ellin, Twitter
It’s rare to find a piece that both scratches my birdwatcher’s itch for avian-themed décor and also promises a brain-smoothing sensory experience, so this Flamingo Rocking Chair easily makes the cut for my Barbie Dreamhouse. The poetic symmetry between Barbie’s graceful foot arch (sorry, podiatrists everywhere) and the flamingo’s signature one-footed stance only sweetens the deal. Catch me rockin’ away my troubles away with a fruity cocktail in hand.
– Caroline Holyoak, Instagram
You know how a trace of the true self exists inside the false self? That’s not the case with this FAKE Pink Plant. Like someone dipped a perfectly healthy bird of paradise, pot and all, into a vat of gender reveal toxic sludge, she belongs to the dreamworld of petroleum-based pastel plastics. Authentic in her artificiality, this FAKE Pink Plant doesn't need water or sunlight to survive—an evolutionary slay. Put her in front of a south facing window, or lock her in a closet and throw away the key, it doesn't matter: she creates her own reality.
– Nat Burr, Instagram
What's more Barbie than a girl who does her own taxes? The Barbie Dream House absolutely needs this pink
$10$5 TI-30XIIS — a steal when you remember how much money our hardworking parents spent on calculators that we used solely for playing games and spelling words like B00B1ES in high school. (I fear Ken and Ryan Gosling would have been culprits of this behavior, too.) This Barbie is a certified public accountant, or at least likes to go beep beep boop and pretend she tracks her spending.
– Mallika Mitra, Instagram, Newsletter
I would HAVE to have this Dunkin Donuts Gnome (Gray Beard) in MY Barbie dream house! It’s a one-of-a-kind piece of fan-art devoted to my favorite chain. His posture and general look really sums up what it means to be awake before getting that first cup of coffee. He’s so me!
– Remi Hirschtick, Instagram
I am always eyeing uncomfortable couches. My rational mind knows I need a couch long enough to lie down on and cushiony enough to fall asleep on (for guests, not me—I don’t nap). But in my heart I want one of these mid-century/Danish situations. I already bought a functional three-seater, but lucky for me, my Barbies don’t have the same standards of comfort. Enter this daybed, into my Barbie Dreamhouse, where I can admire it from afar without ever having to sit on it while watching an episode of television.
– Alexis Nowicki, Twitter
For my Malibu Barbie Dreamhouse, my number one priority would be a bed that’s shaped like a giant clam. Which is not a thing that exists on Facebook Marketplace, which means I had to think smaller, more Barbie-sized.
And so I found this beautiful fountain, which is shaped like a clam, that has water shoot out of its pearl. This is pretty nice and evokes Barbie in Mermaid mode and would really set the scene for my dream beach house, which would really be all *about* how it’s a beach house. Ideally it would also glow a soft pink, but unlike what Barbie execs want you to think, you really *can’t* have it all. There are also a lot of great dolphin fountains available on the site if you want to go in that direction too.
– Rebecca Alter, Twitter
A folding chair can seem distant and dour—an ambassador of suburban church basement piano recital receptions or shiva services. Yet we ought to give this chair some credit; it represents the very possibility of repurposing space for the collective. For your Friendsgiving, thank the folding chair; for your post bat-mitzvah bagel brunch thank the folding chair. When I stash a few chairs in my Dream House closet for an eventual potluck, I’ll pick this pair, beneficiaries of a bright-orange floral glow-up. They might clash a bit with the pink, but no one’s going to mistake my dining room for a school board meeting.
– Mari Cohen, Twitter
After a long day of walking around in those teeny-tiny, impossibly-arched little choking hazards, it would make sense that Barbie would wanna rest her barking dogs in this lush & plush hot pink “foot massenger." The seller didn’t list any instructions for how this device operates or even show it from more than one angle. The only details given are the price– $5, what a steal! –and the immortal words “Hot pink.” And really, what more do we need? Every baddie from Barbie to Doja Cat knows that such a bold color should speak for itself. Though I can’t say that the thought of slipping one’s feet into a mysterious used(?) giant slipper is particularly appealing to me, this Pepto-hued pedi-bed makes for quite the conversation piece.
– Grace Robins-Somerville, Twitter
Surprise to no one, my Barbie Dreamhouse would be orange. Orange walls, orange terracotta roof, orange bed, orange trees, orange juice, and an orange vintage retro apple iMac G3/400 DV Tangerine preloaded with Sims 2, Rollercoaster Tycoon (Complete Edition) and Type To Learn. Justice for PowerPC Computers!
– Dana Nathanson
This “Modern Wall Hanging” is blow dried bangs sitting straight as a razor’s edge on Margot Robbie’s brow bone. It’s shoulder pads. It’s hanging in the waiting room at your aunt who isn’t really your aunt’s hair salon but simultaneously floating above a mauve chaise lounge inside the living room of your favorite Instagram vintage seller. I would put this modern wall hanging in my Barbie dreamhouse because I, just like Barbie, am not modern at all. But we’re not exactly timeless either. Both this wall hanging and Barbie herself are perfectly preserved yet tacky by nature, which is something that should be engraved on my tombstone.
– Rachel Rippetoe, Newsletter
Do I believe this perfect/hideous/vaguely phallic lamp is actually available for $20 from the middle of Indiana? Fuck no, baby! But it WOULD be the perfect centerpiece for a room themed around Barbie Fairytopia, whose presence is (seemingly) sadly missing from our current Barbie Moment. Every Barbie, like every woman, deserves a little ambiguo-usly gendered freak who hypes her up and a room full of organic furniture to do psychedelics in. This is my most strongly held belief…does anyone know how I can contact Greta Gerwig?
– Lou Barcott, Twitter