Is This List of Spooky Objects Available? (feat. special guests)
ISO: the courage to face our fears
Good morning HAPPY HALLOWEEN. Today’s post is just like our first ever post landing on Valentine’s Day – festive, romantic and full of lore! We asked some lucky subscribers to tell us about a cursed object on the FBMP. Like the house with king size Snickers for trick-or-treaters, they delivered.
I’d like to start with the disclaimer that I have almost unfettered tenderness toward anyone who sells personally hand crafted trinkets on Facebook Marketplace. Something about the platform’s vastness, its austerity, its proliferation of the same barely unpackaged Wayfair chairs and ultimately unsatisfying floor lamps makes the fact of a handmade Halloween decoration in the space exude warmth.
The spookiness that compels me in this item is not that it’s a Skeleton. It is not the fear that a Heineken in the body of someone with no internal organs is risky. It’s this texture of the red stuff.
It looks both hard and soft at the same time? Like it could be Play Doh, it could be solidified candle wax, but I also kind of want to bite into it. The other thing that frightens me is what exactly is on little Skelly’s head, because to me, it’s giving frilly underpants. Terrifying.
I did a little bit of “reporting” which is what I famously went into debt to do and asked the seller what the material of the Skelly-pool was made of. My beloved goblins and ghouls, here’s what i found:
Perfect, metal, ephemeral. The entrepreneurial artist is allergic to bad vibes and burning bones. Happy Halloween to all you gorgeous freaks and losers!
– Maria Robins-Somerville, Twitter
Cement Girl Holding Bird Statue
What’s so spooky about this wholesome scene, a cute little kid sweetly holding a bird? When I was a toddler I went to another toddler’s birthday party that featured a petting zoo. I was handed a dove, which I proceeded to stroke on the head a few times before I wrapped my chubby little fingers around its neck and started to squeeze. Luckily an adult intervened before I committed bird murder. But there’s no cement adults in sight here, and I know a killer’s eyes when I see them! The girl’s face says, “I literally and figuratively have you in the palm of my hand and now I am going to wring your bird neck”. This statue has dead bird energy and I guarantee having it in your backyard will drive your neighborhood birds insane. And nothing is spookier than that!
– Keep Nathanson, Instagram
7 ft. Animated Lethal Lily Witch
If asked to guess her name, I would not lead with Lily. But now that she has been thus dubbed by her New City owner (roommate?) one might imagine her sporting a Lily Pulitzer dress, tortoise shell sunglasses, and espadrilles–her frog's carrier a rattan purse. When winter comes around, a floor length mink coat, shapka, and pearls. More than just an annual houseguest for "spooky season," the beautiful Miss Lily can enter your home as perpetually as she will fashionably.
– Peter Kelly, Instagram
I was tempted to search for something that would def pull cursed results – like "antique dolls" – but that felt too easy. So while perusing the "Antiques & Collectibles" section like a yard sale, I found this Vintage Bell. Like...what is going on here? What is the chain for, and why is it giving antique handcuff? Is that Latin, objectively the creepiest written language, inscribed on the side? The poorly cropped flash picture of its rusting underbelly is enough to put me ill at ease. I would not ring this bell babes, for it would certainly summon something sinister...
Honorable mention for this Vintage Solid Brass Rabbit Faucet.
He's spooky in a positive sort of way, like he'd protect you or imbue your household tap water with healing properties. I love him.
– Clarissa Sorenson, Instagram
We all get a bit existential from time to time. And spooky szn is a great time to bring back ye olde memento mori. Rather than fear the end, let's accelerate that confrontation (literally) with Gregg Cuthert Sr's 14" goodyear tires and custom rims. Despite mentions of brand new tires, this post omits one alarmingly crucial detail re the overall condition of actual coffin itself (is this thing USED?). With beautiful hotwheels/Guy Fieri iconography and a pun that will send anyone to the grave, the shininess of the black lacquer has the added bonus of inviting mourners to look upon their own reflections as they are lowered into the soil. My recent searches have sent a very clear signal to Zuckdaddy that I would very much like to be reminded of my inevitable decay in the form of "see more listings like the Coffin homemade trailer" prompts. Wheely scary stuff.
– Camille Gray, Instagram
After watching Over the Garden Wall I doubted that I’d ever lay eyes on anything equal parts cozy and spooky ever again. But here we are, with a dimly lit princess castle to consider.
If this were my kid’s bed I would talk so much smack about it. The smack in question (repeated nightly):
There’s no doubt it’s comfortable
There’s no doubt it’s creepy
There’s not a bone in my skelly that would go there for sleepy
Unsettling sense of mystery and intrigue? No thanks. Shadows dancing on the wall? No thanks. Faint whispers echoing from the trunks of all that wood? No thanks. But what truly sends shivers down my spine is the stark, chilling truth of this seller’s empty nest syndrome:
– Dana Nathanson, Instagram
Chilling! This frozen farmer's dog is available for pickup and totally free. Looks like they tried to warm her up, but it didn't work. Her size makes you wonder what kind of job she had on the farm…I'd guess maybe she was the meat locker attendant. "Free for another dog" was the thematically haunting conclusion to this post. Help for a traumatized and grieving pet who lost their best friend, or maybe a cryogenesis project for a canine mad scientist playing Dog God? Depends on the breed, I guess!
– Lindsay Vanderpool, Instagram
And if all this spooky just isn’t your speed try scary: